It's three days after the wedding. I'm still waking up around 6:00 a.m. every day. I thought once the wedding was over I'd start sleeping in. Is adreneline still surging through my veins?
Life definitely feels different. My husband is amazing. My husband.
Travis was a mess leading up to the wedding. He had to work the week before, though I had it off. My parents and sister were in town. The house was always noisy with people coming in and out. Travis works from home, and his work is very stressful to him. He needs perfect silence while he works. Needless to say he didn't get it that week.
So he was stressed about work, and stressed about being the center of attention at the wedding. "Everyone's going to be looking at me," he kept complaining. Additionally, he just wants everyone to be happy, and trying to please me and all of our guests was a huge conflict for him. I was always torn between what I wanted and what everyone else expected from me and my wedding. Travis generally sided with everyone else, which made me angry, but kept me grounded. I can't say I always saw things his way, but he pulled me back toward the center sometimes.
The day of the wedding, Travis wanted to help so badly, but he found that he just couldn't. His insides were churning. He's apologized since that he wasn't really there, but I understood and I thought it was sweet. We had so many people helping that I encouraged him to just relax and do what he needed to do.
We loaded up four cars worth of wedding supplies on Saturday and drove to the picnic ground at 8:00 a.m. on Sunday. We strung pennants over the eating area and on the trees around the parking lot. We wiped down tables and cleaned the bathrooms. We decorated the tables. We hung up an amazing swing (embroidered with our wedding motto "Cherish this life"). We built an altar with cranes cascading from it. We set up a croquet course. We unloaded all of our food. We peppered the entire area with pinwheels on long sticks.
I had a very hard time walking away from the set up. One of my cousins brought some supplies late and I had to give directions on where they should go. Another cousin was lost in the park with my ring bearers. Reliquishing control was painful, but eventually I hid in the bathroom and got dressed.
My father and best friend Tim laced up my corset. Travis had practiced many times, but found it frustrating and difficult, and friends and family had decided for us that he shouldn't be the one to lace me at the park. My dad and Tim did an amazing job, and I'm glad we decided to have them do it instead of Travis. They were so patient and loving and the laces were perfect. My father waited outside the bathroom afterwards for the signal that it was time to walk down the aisle.
Several guests came into the bathroom while I was waiting in the larger stall. I called out to some of them and said hello. When one of my clients came in with her four-year-old daughter whispering to her to hurry so she wouldn't miss the ceremony, I stayed quiet. I loved hearing her tell her daughter that she didn't want to miss Kasey. Eventually someone who knew I was there came in to talk to me and my client was surprised to learn I had been in there the whole time. Too cute.
Caryn, the officiant and my dear friend, came in and had a moment with me, having already spoken to Travis. She encouraged me to relax and breathe and told me we were embarking on a great journey and soon we were going to walk through the world as different kinds of people, married people. She cried. It was wonderful. She was wonderful the whole time, and the best officiant in the world.
I had made up mind a long time ago that I was not going to be late for my wedding. We originally planned for me to go and get dressed at 12 p.m., with the ceremony starting at 1:45. I didn't actually go into the bathroom until 1:00, after saying hello to many guests who were already arriving (with curlers in my hair covered with a shower cap and handkerchief), but I was done by 1:30 and proud of it. But our ring bearers, my cousin's twin three-year-old daughters, were still lost. We waited until 2:10, when Tim came in and told me that both my mother and Caryn thought it was time to start. Tim volunteered to be the ring bearer, which was huge for him because he, for political reasons, had sworn to not participate in any weddings. By this point I was completely ready to finally walk down the aisle, so all I needed was to hear that my mom and Caryn concurred, and I gave the go-ahead.
When I first came out of the bathroom holding my father's hand, it looked like chaos. Lots of people were still milling around, though there was a large group of guests gathered at our staging area. I could see Travis walking down the aisle with his mother. As we crossed the large field to the altar, I saw guests rising from their seats. We stopped at the periphery of guests and allowed everyone to take photos. I was overjoyed and shouted out, "You guys look beautiful." A co-worker replied, "Not as beautiful as you, Kasey P." It was exactly as I imagined. There were people on blankets and some in chairs. So many people in costume or dressed as I had asked in whites and creams and purples, in flowing shirts and sun hats. It looked amazing.
We walked slowly down the aisle to Travis. There was a microphone set up at the altar and I asked for it to be removed. I didn't want to have to speak into a mic and I felt the hardware was an intrusion into our old-fashioned picnic. (I did feel like a bridezilla at that moment, and guilty because my father had been the one to set it up, but it was the right decision.) Once the mic was removed and I took my place, I finally was able to absorb Travis' prescence. He was crying. I immediately took him in my arms, said, "Oh, Honey," told him not to cry.
Caryn had said during our rehearsal that the ceremony was going to be a blur. To me, it seemed to last a long while, but I really didn't hear much of what she said. I can't describe how it felt to stand up there. I was aware of the presence of the guests, Caryn's words. Travis seemed to be in his own world. I think my strongest feeling was regret that my back was turned to my parents. I had had them sit on the same side as I was, so I was facing Travis' family. I deeply regret that I didn't get to watch them watch me get married.
Caryn called Travis "Trasey" right at the beginning. She had done so during the rehearsal and was sure she was going to do it during the ceremony. She didn't even realize she had done it, but people started chuckling and I told her she had. She said it was Sachiel's job to keep track of how many times she did it, but she only did it that once!
Travis did an amazing job delivering his vows. He's a very good performer, surprisingly. And everyone laughed when he vowed to only eat meat on the weekends. I didn't cry as much as I thought I would while saying my vows. But I felt the sincerity and strength of everything I was saying.
After our vows Caryn invited the guests to speak. I was so afraid no one would say anything. I had arranged for my cousin Brett to speak first, but he was still not there. My father shouted out, "Love you, Kasey." And afterwards I stood petrified, still worrying it wouldn't catch on. But Becky made a clever speech using all of the names of the Dominion games. Victoria told a story about a time she played Taboo with Travis: The phrase everyone had to guess was "In Love", and Travis blurted out "Kasey and I". Both Thomas and Annie, old family friends, spoke. Annie said I used to carry around an old shredded blanket wrapped around my thumb that I couldn't be separated from. She said she hoped Travis would now be like that blanket. Wayne advised Travis to always remember to communicate. Paul told us he was sending us so many prayers. My mother spoke, but sadly I can't remember what she said. She also gave a speech later in the day, so some of that is blurring in my mind with what she said at the ceremony. Maya, a nine-year-old girl I babysit, quickly jumped up, said, "You're a great babysitter," and sat back down. I was so glad so many people had things to say.
We exchanged our rings. Travis had to be nudged to finish his because he didn't realize he was supposed to say more. We were already holding hands when Caryn said, "Now join your hands, and with your hands, your hearts." Our kiss was quick, sweet, and totally G-rated, and we gave each other a massive hug afterwards. We turned to face our guests and I told them to get ready to throw their airplanes. As we walked back down the aisle and the planes flew around us, I was overcome with happiness, like the sun was inside me and its rays were bursting through my chest.
I wasn't sure what to do next, so we just stopped at the edge of the crowd, and Travis said, "That's it." People started coming up to us, and though we hadn't planned it, we had our receiving line right there. It was more of a circle, with Travis actually at the periphery and me in the middle. I got to hug all of the guests and say hello to everyone. It was wonderful and I soaked it up.
Travis' step-grandmother was very moved by the ceremony and told me she wished that her husband, Travis' grandfather (who passed about ten years ago), could have been there. She told me he would have loved me. That meant a lot to me.
I had planned on going straight from the ceremony to the food to help with set-up, but I was having too much fun being with my guests. Suddenly it was no longer hard to reliquish control. On the contrary, I was glad to let someone else do the work while I finally relaxed and enjoyed the moment. The sad thing was, I hadn't prepped anyone on how to deal with the food and there was just so much of it that it was quite a mess. Fortunately, I didn't really go over to the food area and look at it. I just let it go. My mother and Travis' mother were overwhelmed with the chaos and mess, but no one else complained. There was plenty of food and everyone seemed to really enjoy it. And everyone I saw had overflowing plates, so I don't think it was really that big of a deal. We had tried to make sure there were gluten-free options for the three gluten-free guests we had, and the mother of one made sure to tell me how happy her daughter was that we had created a safe space for her.
We had Chris and Jenna, our best man and maid of honor, sign our marriage liscence (which we had actually forgot to bring with us; luckily, Chris came to our rescue and picked it up from the house). I hovered over them with so much joy as they filled it out. Caryn added in her part and then filled out our souvenir marriage liscence. (I'm hoping we get something back in the mail from the county confirming the legality of our marriage for me to moon over.)
Afterwards, while everyone ate, I made my way from table to table checking in on them all. It's somewhat painful being around so many people you love in one place because you have to divide your attention and can't be with each person the whole time. I wanted to make sure that everyone knew how much I appreciated their being there. I wanted everyone to feel special in my eyes because, truly, they are. I tried to make everyone feel welcome and loved in the short amount of time I got to spend with them.
One of my favorite moments was when I went up to my cousin Bruce who had never RSVPed or responded to any of my many attempts to find out if he was coming. We got confirmation a few days before that he was definitely going to be there. I was so happy to see him. We have a strong connection though we rarely speak with or see each other, and it meant so much to me to have him there. His twelve-year-old son was dressed in full costume and looked amazing. And I joked that his voice had dropped long before Bieber's!
Another touching moment was when one of my older clients came up to me and hugged me with tears in his eyes. I felt so much love. He said he had worked a long time over many days on his present to us. We opened it later, and it was an awesome handmade clock decorated with drawings of vegetables.
Speeches followed the meal. I hadn't eaten anything, but my friend Janna came to my rescue and brought me a glass of apple juice which I was happy to have for the toasts. Chris, our house mate and best man, went first and delivered the best speech given on my behalf or at a wedding anywhere ever. I cried when he said that we've helped him to realize that love doesn't have to be expressed solely with grandiose gestures, which he's really good at and I've always been jealous of. He called us his second family. I missed him so much in that moment: even though we live together, we rarely see each other these days. But he's precious to us, and I vow to spend more time with him in the future.
Jenna, my sister, sang a song I'd never heard before, and said it was her song to me, but also a song Travis and I could, in theory, sing to each other, about being the other's strength. She cried, I cried. It was amazing and perfect. At the end she pointed to me and said, "That's for you." We both gave her huge hugs.
Anton gave a synopsis of Plato's Symposium, about what love is. He had spent a lot of the morning writing the speech and practicing, and he was so cute, holding his wine glass and his pad of paper, with his top hat and steampunk goggles. It was hard to believe that he hadn't wanted to speak in the first place.
My mom said I used to say, "I hate it, I hate it, and I don't like it," when I was a child, and now she hopes I can say of Travis, "I like him, I like him, and I love him." My dad told me she had written a speech in the days before the wedding, but when she showed it to him and he started to suggest edits, she scrapped the whole thing. She wrote a new speech, but when she finally got up to speak without any notes, most of what she said apparently ended up being more of what she had written for the first speech. Silly Mommy.
I'm hoping someone got video of these speeches. My parents weren't planning on speaking until I told them it was their obligation as parents of the bride. At weddings I've been to, the bride's parents are technically the hosts of the wedding and need to get up to thank the guests for coming. I had a talk with both of them and told them how important it was to me that they speak even though they weren't the hosts. We recently went to a Bat Mitzvah where both of the parents gave beautiful speeches to their daughter. I realized afterwards that this wedding was going to be my only opportunity to hear my parents publicly tell me how proud they are of me and how much they love me. My mom thinks that she didn't do right by me somehow because I have such a desperate need for reassurance and validation, but I think it's just the way my genes happened to form. My parents have always made it very clear that they love me and think the world of me. Still I would have been so disappointed if they hadn't gotten up and spoken.
My father said that I had told him long ago that I never thought in a million years that I would fall in love with someone like him. And apparently I clarified that he and Travis were nerds. (I don't remember explaining it that way!) Dad said he didn't see what was wrong with nerds. He argued that nerds can be weird, but all professions have weirdos, like sea captains and wine makers, referring to some of the more flamboyant guests present.
Travis' father and step-father both went to the mic separately and said a few short words. Paul, Travis' father, told him he was proud of him and that he loved us both. I squeezed Travis' arm because I knew how important it was to hear that. All of his three parents had said they didn't want to speak, and so I'm glad that two of them surprised us.
Robin's speech was definitely a blur -- I think I was interrupted by some guests trying to say goodbye. But she cried, and I always love when people cry out of love. If I remember correctly, she said the wonderful things she always says: that she loves me, that she thinks I'm amazing, that she appreciates me. And I know she thanked me for sticking by her through rough times. She started out as my cousin's wife that I never thought I'd really get to know, and has become one of my very best friends.
Harry, my cousin's sea captain husband, got up and said, pointing to Travis, "You and me, we're carnivores. And you can come to our house any time and eat meat. And," he quickly added, turning to me, "I'll even make some vegan food. I made those vegan potatoes the other night, and you liked them." My cousin was on his arm, dressed beautifully in costume, and she demurly added, "We love you guys."
I insisted on getting up to thank everyone after the speeches were done, and one of the twins, Lola, asked to go with me. I hadn't realized that it was just so she could use the microphone that everyone else had spoken into during the toasts. It had been so important to me to express my gratitude and love for everyone present, but Lola was determined to get in as many words as she could. I was frustrated because I felt so ineffective at conveying to everyone how I felt, but it was just too damn cute to be mad, and eventually I played along with Lola. I think it was a major highlight for everyone. Priceless. And the girls (well, at least one of them) got to participate in the wedding after all!
I can't remember what order everything went in after that, but we sloppily had our first dance and the father/daughter dance, cut the cake, threw the garter and the bouquet, and danced.
The band, my super second cousins, The Brothers Landau, started playing out first dance song while Travis was still talking to guests, so we didn't get much time together. Travis was still reeling from the wedding and felt obligated to give everyone else his attention, plus I think he didn't physically feel very well, so he didn't feel much like dancing. We were only alone for a short time before the twins came and danced with us, and then Travis finally let loose. The photos of us dancing are precious and he looks so handsome with a huge smile on his face.
My father and I danced to the cheesy, but moving "Dance with My Father" by Luther Vandross. Dad had never heard it, but every time I run across it on the radio, I think of him and cry. The whole week I was very aware of my parents' mortality and torn to bits by it. I held on tight to my Dad and cried. He didn't really want to dance the whole song, and I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable, but I made him stay up there as long as I could.
Chris had made our cake, but it hadn't been put out on the cake table. It had seriously melted in the heat and looked a mess. We didn't even bother to transfer it to the $68 cake stand I had bought, but left it on the plastic carrying tray. We stuck our cake toppers in and quickly cut it. Janna came to my rescue again by getting us plates, spoons, and a knife. I put a bite on my spoon and made like I was going to feed it to Travis, but rushed to drop the spoon on the plate and smear chocolate on his face. He was visibly offended; he hadn't known that that was a tradition. I rushed to wipe the frosting off his face before he got really mad. And then we peaceably shared our slice. He commented that he wasn't putting cake on my face, and I was grateful for that.
I wriggled out of my garter as I yelled at all the women to gather together, but soon realized I was calling over the wrong bunch. I handed off the garter to Travis and started yelling for the men to come over. There weren't many people present by this point. The weather had driven lots of people away: during my dance with my dad, the fog literally rolled in (you can even see it in a video clip someone took). But serveral young single men were there. Travis threw the garter and our friend Anton caught it, probably the best person for it. Anton put the garter on his leg and happily danced around with it on.
I had to run to our rental van to get the bouquet for throwing. It was made mostly of plastic and was heavy with fabric flowers. I was so afraid I was going to hurt someone with it that my first throw was so small the bouquet landed directly behind me. My second throw was a bit harder, and I swear I didn't do it on purpose, but my sister, who is impatient to get married, caught the bouquet. Again, a perfect recipient.
The Brothers Landau did such an amazing job playing the wedding that we didn't even need to crack out the iPod as I had planned. They did great covers with their acoustic guitar and cello of lots of silly songs, like "Only Girl" by Rihanna and "California Love" by 2Pac. A small group of people danced right in front of them, consisting mostly of me, the twins, and my sister. The music was so moving, so amazing. My favorites were "Re: stacks" by Bon Iver, "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional, and "SMS" by the David Crowder Band. I was definitely bummed that I didn't get to really appreciate all of the music -- they had worked so hard to learn a long list of songs I had provided them with, but I was too distracted to hear most of it. I've asked them to play us a private show again sometime so I can finally absorb it all.
With just a few people around, I asked Jenna to play "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri, a song from Breaking Dawn. It's popular on the radio right now, and is literally about walking down the aisle to your future husband. Every time I hear it, I sing along and feel so much love for Travis. So Jenna played guitar while I sang. She provided beautiful harmony vocals and David added cello. We hadn't even practiced, but it was perfect. Travis was aware I was singing, but was too distracted to really pay attention. It was mostly for me anyway. I loved singing it. It was a great gift from my sis.
While all this was going on, lots of people were busy cleaning up. The crowd quickly dissapated, and by 6:00 p.m. it was time to load up the cars. I had intended for the party to go until sunset, but with the fog, it got dark much earlier. And it was actually a good thing because that meant we got done with cleaning much earlier and none of us had to be up late loading and unloading.
During the clean-up process, Travis' mom told me how happy she was with the wedding and the marriage. She said she saw something in Travis that day that she was afraid she would never see, whole-heartedness. She was glad that both Travis and I could say that we were lucky to have found the other.
Travis and I didn't get to drive away with a "Just Married" sign on our car. We didn't even ride back to the house in the same vehicle. But it was nice for me to have time to myself as I led our train of cars back to our house. I got to reflect silently on what an amazing day it had been.
One of the major triumphs for me was when the park rangers came to take away the garbage in the middle of the reception. I was on my way to the car for something and got to talk with them. There were four garbage cans at the site. We had replaced the bags in two of them and labeled them for compost, compost, paper recycling, and landfill respectively. I informed the rangers that we were handling the garbage, and they said they had come by earlier to empty the cans but found that someone had already done it. In fact, no one had come before them to empty the cans, we just happened to have that little trash. They couldn't believe that for a party of our size (160 people) there was only one bag of garbage. They said usually they have to empty the four cans three times during the course of the day. I was SO proud!
Everyone told me they had a wonderful time, that the ceremony was beautiful, that the wedding was the best they had ever been to, that the food was delicious. They wouldn't tell me otherwise, even if they thought it, right? But some people adamantly assured me they weren't exaggerating. One of our friends teared up and said she had been very moved. My second cousin, who has played hundreds of weddings, said ours was second only to a Hollywood wedding he had been to for an ex of Mena Suvari. I just wanted everyone to enjoy themselves and be happy. I think I achieved that.
And as for me, it was absolutely the wedding of my dreams, and then some. I had never intended for it to be a traditional wedding, but it thrills me to think how real it ended up being. We didn't have attendants or a proper wedding march. We didn't have a big, fancy cake. We didn't have a wedding planner or other professionals running around doing make-up and filming everything. But it suited me just right.
And even the things that "went wrong" weren't all that bad. My ring bearers missed the ceremony, but my best friend of fifteen years got to be the only person other than the officiant to stand at the altar with us. The food was supposedly a mess, but we had loads more than we needed and didn't run out, as I had feared we would.
I regret that we didn't have a professional photographer. I have worked with one and seen the magic she can create. But I have my own memories, and everyone present took so many pictures that I'm hoping that at least one person happened to take a photo of everything that transpired.
I also regret that I couldn't see my parents' faces as I stood at the altar. And that we didn't take time to have our photos taken together. I barely saw my mom at all during the entire reception. But she was my savior, stepping in to handle the food situation and so much else. She was the best mother of the bride any girl could ever have.
We went home after the reception, unloaded the car, said goodbye to my family, and opened presents with Anton and Tim who both spent the night. We were supposed to go to our hotel Sunday night, but were too exhausted to make the trip. Instead we went out to Vietnamese food with Tim, Anton, and my cousin David, and I saw Travis start to unwind.
The next day we had brunch with Mom, Dad, Jenna, Tim, Anton, and The Brothers Landau. Dad and I returned some rental chairs and took leftover food to the food bank. I had to say quick goodbyes to my family because Travis, Anton, and Tim were eager to leave the house and finally escape to the city. Travis hadn't realized that this was our final goodbye to my parents and sister and apologized later for rushing me through it.
Many people have told me over the last couple of days that I need to stop worrying about them and start enjoying my honeymoon. I'm having a fabulous time, but it's hard to not think about all the love and help I received and want to give back. We're wanting to spend time with our friends during our honeymoon to thank them for all they've done and been, and they just want us to stay gone!
We've been getting out of bed early just to fall back in during the day for naps. Our schedules have been irregular and driven by our most basic needs, food and sleep. We've watched a lot of TV, and I've gotten to read, but mostly I want to be on the computer looking at all of our photos and reliving my amazing day. There are definitely things that went wrong that could have been better, but overall, I am just so happy and blown away by how great it was. It went by so fast and I miss it, but my memories of it fill my heart and I'm content.
Travis has been an amazing husband so far. Monday night he said he finally feels complete. Tuesday night he said he wished he had helped more, and he has learned a good lesson, that we need to be helping all of our engaged friends as much as we can. He says he looks in the mirror and feels different.
I feel like more of a woman, more of a grownup. Caryn was right: I'm a different kind of person now, I'm a wife. How exciting. How special.
I realized yesterday that we could easily make it to our fiftieth anniversary some day. I'll be seventy-nine, he'll be seventy-seven. I can't imagine all that will happen inbetween now and then, but I'm eager to find out.
Thank you over and over and over again to everyone who helped, whether you made food, helped set up, folded cranes, tied pom poms, or collected jars for my cups and decorations. Thank you to everyone who was just there and enjoyed our day. You made it so special by your very prescence. We are so lucky to have such an amazing group of family and friends surrounding us, loving us. I have said many times over the last few days that I'm angry with the English language that I can't convey in words how grateful I am. But I want you to imagine me loving you and feeling like I am in your debt as much as is humanly possible... because that is truly how I feel.
