Travis Loves Me

I wrote this on April 8th:

Yesterday was Travis' Bachelor Party.  Not surprisingly, he got raging drunk.  But fortunately for me, Travis is the sweetest drunk in the world.  I was grouchy because I don't have a Bachelorette Party planned and Travis and I had originally wanted a Bachelor/Bachelorette Party, but Chris had vetoed the idea.  So I was alone and had to stay upstairs for the most part so as not to spoil the atmosphere.  And I was working hard on wedding stuff.

At one in the night, Travis came upstairs, stood in front of me as I was on the computer, looked at me hard, and said, "I love you.  You know that, right?  More than anything in the world."  He had never spoken to me like that.  Like some future him who knew something devastating was imminent floated into his body at that moment to let me know something his present self was incapable of saying.  

I feel like the twin that loved me was with me last night.  

At the end of the night, Travis came into the office and asked me if we could talk.  He was zombie drunk at this point.  He said over and over that he was sorry for almost cheating on me, that he was so lucky, that he was so happy that we were getting married.  He cried tears for the first time in our four-year relationship.  He couldn't believe that I had chosen him.  He said I could have anyone, but I chose him.  He said, "Look at me, and look at you."  He said he had been afraid that no one would ever chose him.  He felt so lucky that someone accepted him.  He said he was sorry that he didn't always appreciate everything I am and everything I do.  He apologized for having to be drunk to tell me these things.

I told him that I would remember that deep down inside him is someone who feels the way he did that night when he criticizes me and tells me no.

He repeated over and over, "I'm so lucky.  I'm so happy.  I can't believe you chose me.  I'm sorry."

Over time, we'll grow old together, live life together, explore so many challenges and new experiences.  One day he'll die.  Will he die before me?  Will I be able to live without him?